Thursday, August 30, 2012

11 weeks down, 29 to go.

So today we hit 11 weeks and according to my sources, the baby should be about the size of a lime. I get envious of the skinny ladies who are due within a few weeks of me. Some of them are starting to show, and today one lady talked about being able to feel her fundus. I don't know what the fuck that is but I'm pretty sure I'll never feel mine. I just feel that with so much belly fat that I will never be that adorable pregnant lady, or even look pregnant at all. It's a little depressing.

However, something not depressing, Matt is being incredibly cute. I told him in the middle of him watching the new Homestuck update that I was craving something cold and sweet so he stopped everything and took me to get some of Edy's No Sugar Added fruit bars. They're only 6g of total carbs so I can have one for a snack without it affecting my blood sugar much. For my before bed snack I had a tangerine one, and a few crackers. I'm hoping that having a small carb snack before bed will help to keep me from going low in the middle of the night and having my liver compensate by dumping sugar. So far when I get up at a reasonable hour, it works, but when I sleep in, my sugars are routinely around 100 to 110 when I wake up, which is 10 to 15 points higher than my doctor would like it to be.

My next prenatal appointment is on the 4th, 5 days away. Then on the 14th is my next ultrasound, where they're going to measure the nuchal translucency to try and determine if it looks like there's a risk for Downs Syndrome. I don't think that DS runs in either my or Matt's family so the risk is low. I just agreed to get another ultrasound. Ha ha. I like being able to see Baby Blasto. I'm also really hoping that on Tuesday I'll get to hear the heartbeat. :3 All of my appointments so far they've said it was too early. I think past week 9 is when a doppler can usually reliably pick it up so here's hoping!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Let's talk about sex, baby.

So, this post is going to be pretty detailed about sex - more so than I would usually just put on the internet. Just a warning if you want to go somewhere else and not read this. Ha ha.

Last night I had it in my head that I wanted to have some marital relations with Matt when he got home from work. I'd been thinking about him and getting all worked up all day. When he got home, I waited until he got distracted with Tumblr then got naked and gently called his name. Out went the lights, off went his clothes and he catapaulted into bed. Ha ha. We haven't had much fun with anything other than oral or messy makeout sessions since I got pregnant. So two months? D:  I nervously asked the doctor about sexytime at one of my last appointments and was told that it should be fine, but if there was excessive bleeding antd pain afterwards to go to the E.R.

So last night was completely fabulous, and I was rightly ravaged. I do feel like he held back a little, probably because of my insistent whispered reminders to be gentle. After all, it had been a while for me too and my problems require a bit of delicacy. Afterwards I cramped much in the way that I did in early pregnancy, through the night and then this morning. I wanted to jump his bones again when we woke up because the room was dark and cool due to the stormy weather outside. Still, I was cramping so I settled with playing with Matt while he used the toy I got him. Ha ha. Now it's even darker, the storm is really picking up and I wish I could lay in bed naked with him all day.

I'm really happy that nothing went terribly wrong, and that I can enjoy sex with my partner. Oh and I did enjoy it. Ha ha. I keep getting happy little shivers thinking about the things he did. Ahhhh. Ha ha.

Now I'm going to snuggle with Matt and cook something warm and comforting for lunch.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Dear Doctor, I am sorry.

So it's only been two days since my change in insulin had a very unwelcome reception. I have to say that it's already been better. I don't really remember too much about if yesterday was better or not, but this morning I woke up with a blood glucose level of 89 (4.9), which is great. The doc wants my fasting levels in the morning to be under 95 (5.2). I'm supposed to check two hours after every meal and my blood glucose level then should be under 120 (6.6). We went to the funeral for Matt's grandfather, so I couldn't check my sugars two hours after breakfast, but an hour later while we were getting things ready for lunch, I went hypo. My sugar was 58 (3.2) with the classic symptoms. I got shaky, started feeling strange temperature wise (the only way I can describe it is like there's a cold water bottle in the core of my body, surrounded by warm blankets), and broke out in a little bit of a cold sweat. Since the burgers and hot dogs were on the grill, I filled a plate with potato chips and munched on them. When my sugars go low, it's really hard not to overeat, because I get so hungry. However, after a plate of chips, and a handful more, I decided to remove myself from the vicinity of the chips and I started feeling fine. For lunch I completely pigged out, I made a chili cheeseburger, ate two hot dogs with no bun but topped with tons of spicy chili and mustard, and even got a few more chips to eat the rest of the chili. Oh yeah, I was a total preggo fatty. Two hours later, I was sure my sugar was going to be high and I was already feeling guilty before I even checked. 106 (5.8), nicely under what my doctor would like it to be.

So I think I owe my doctor an apology for losing my shit in her office and being a complete little jerkass about staying on the 70/30. I still don't feel like the 70/30 gives me enough freedom to say, go out for frozen yogurt, loaded up with fruit and nutella like I like. However, I do feel more confident in having a low carb dinner, going for a long walk in the park or in Carytown with Matt and then stopping in for a little cup of froyo with a reasonable amount of toppings added to it. I'm starting to feel like yeah, I can't really have a huge bowl of spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, but I could possibly have a small portion on a plate next to a larger salad.

I'm actually going to try and make my baked mac and cheese, with lots of veggies and chicken added to it, and see how that goes. If I use whole grain or whole wheat pasta, I think I might be able to handle it better. It's weird how much better just two days of better control over my sugars and allowing myself to have some more carbs has made me feel. Food really is very intrinsically linked to my morale.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Today is my birthday and I am SMILING and CHEERFUL. Actually, no. I've been crying for most of yesterday and this morning, like a little bitch. Today's been terrible, but I do appreciate the outpouring of love I've gotten from friends and family who are wishing me a good day. My bad mood started yesterday.

I had my high risk appointment with MCV, and was really optimistic. My biggest goal was talking to the doctor about my insulin, showing how the 70/30 combination wasn't being helpful and how I wanted to get on separate NPH and fast acting shots so that I could shoot insulin for what I ate, instead of eating based on the effectiveness of the insulin. Well, the doctor chose not to change my insulin. I'm still on the 70/30, just on a slightly larger dosage. I started crying in the doctor's office, which I think freaked out my doctor. I cried on the way to Matt's work to pick up his paycheck. I cried while he was inside getting it. I cried on the way to Wal-mart to grab more insulin. I cried in Wal-mart. I cried on the way home. I cried at home. I woke up and cried some more. I've been crying on and off all day.

The doctor tried to gently explain that they thought the 70/30 was the best idea for me, easiest for me to handle, and that upping the dosage would let me eat more. "We don't want you to starve," she kept saying. But that's not the problem, and it was very hard for me to articulate my disappointment. The crushing disappointment. I'm fine with the AMOUNT of food I'm eating now, because I'm not really suffering. I have options for carb-free snacks. I snack on veggies, cheese, and lunch meat when I need to. It's the amount of carbs in my meals that is a hindrance, as well as the complete lack of spontaneity. I can't have spaghetti or stir fry or rice. I can't have a bean and cheese burrito, even though I really really want one. I'm not having problem with craving food outside of mealtimes, but I have very clear and present cravings when it's time for a meal and I'm hungry. And I can't have any of it. It's demoralizing.

I tried to explain to the doctor. "The lack of freedom is the biggest problem with the 70/30. Like, we go out with friends and someone suggests we get ice cream or frozen yogurt and I completely cannot have it, unless I'd specifically planned for it and had zero carbs at dinner and gotten my blood sugar nice and low. And if my blood sugar isn't low, plans are ruined and I can't have that." It seems like such a small thing, but it gets old fast, and upsetting. I was really counting out a change in insulin to let me be a normal human being. Fuck. I'm crying again now.

It's even harder because no one seems to get it. The doctor and Matt are both like, "Obviously this isn't every day, but your sugars are looking good. It's okay if every once in a while you have a treat and your sugars are a bit high." Only to me, it's not. Not when I've been presented with all this information about what high blood sugar can do to a developing embryo. The ADA says that you should have your sugars in control for at least 3 months before you get pregnant, or else your chances for defects go up 5 times. If your sugars are high in early pregnancy, those chances are upped to 9 times. My sugar was out of control when we got pregnant, I struggled for a month to get them into good ranges. I'm scared to death that there's a neural tube defect or heart defect that my first ultrasound wasn't able to detect that we're not going to find out about for another ten weeks. I can't, in good conscience, let my sugar slip for one treat a week or whatever when I have all this information about what organs and systems are developing in my kid right now, knowing that if I'm irresponsible, something could develop incorrectly that forever ruins the life my kid could have. Is fucking frozen yogurt worth my kid needing heart surgery as a toddler or being mentally disabled?

I might be over-worrying about this, but I feel like I'm the only person who keeps this shit in mind, or understands the pressure. When Matt told his mom about the doctor's decision and my disappointment, she said, "Well, she doesn't need to just be eating whatever she wants anyway." I got so mad. I didn't want my insulin changed so I could go and stuff my face with junk. I wanted it so I could have some semblance of a normal life. So I could eat a small bowl of spaghetti with a salad and taking the insulin to cover 30 or 40 grams of carbs. So that I could actually have a full sandwich. So that I don't have to die of jealousy anymore.

I can't click on any threads that have to do with food or cravings on the Bump forums anymore. I get so pissed at women who are like, "Oh, feel sorry for me, all I crave is candy and all I'll let myself indulge is a candy bar every day and some cake at dessert, oh I'm so bad, poor pitiful me." Because fuck you, lady.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Hello Baby Blasto!

Yesterday was a fun day. I was treated to a pap smear AND intervaginal ultrasound! However, now we have the first picture of Blasto. She said everything looked great, she found the yolk sac, and the heartbeat is 177, nice and strong. I'm more optimistic and hopeful. I'm also seriously chomping at the bit to get to our 20 week anatomy scan so I can make sure Blasto is healthy, and find out whether they are a boy or a girl. Keep growing, Blasto!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

An absence of sleep and feeling in my feet

Getting comfortable and sleeping through the night is getting difficult and I'm not even big yet. Ha ha. I think it has more to do with the air mattress and less to do with being pregnant, although getting up to pee and make sure I'm not going to hurl in the middle of the night doesn't help the situation. I'm sure this doesn't help the feeling of exhaustion that persists though the day.

Another fine point of pregnancy seems to be a lessening of my circulation in my feet. Paired with the circulation problems I already have by virtue of being diabetic, and it means that my feet tingle all the time and I'm constantly having to check to make sure they aren't discolored or that the cut I managed to get on the top of my right foot is still healing well and not infected. I don't know why but for some reason thinking about losing a foot or leg in the middle of pregnancy is hilarious to me. I can't explain it except to say that temporarily I've lost my mind, be back later.

I need to get a job soon. I've been really depressed lately, looking at all the help Matt's parents have given us and the fact that if they didn't, we wouldn't be able to survive. I told Matt that I went ahead with this move because I was sure that we would be fine financially, and we would be if I weren't pregnant and we didn't have to watch my health so carefully. So I feel guilty, and angry, and upset, and hungry all the goddamn time. I've been crying a lot, and listless. I get to feeling cruddy and all I can do is lay in bed, with my own morbid thoughts. I think it's starting to really upset Matt. I joked with him the other day that he could just push me down the stairs and then bring me hot pockets in the hospital because blood sugar be damned then. He stared at me for a moment and said, "How can you say something like that so calmly and cheerfully? No. Just no." and gave me a hug. And he's right, that's not normal of me to think. So I think it's a big sign that I need to ask the doctor about pregnancy safe anti-depressants when we go in next week for the check up.

I probably won't make another blog post until next week, either after my first pre-natal visit or the ultrasound that happens the next day, on Tuesday.