Mommy's Little Monster

It is 4 in the morning, and I have my prenatal appointment in 8 hours but I cannot sleep. I've been so worried and scared that I'm going to get there and we're going to find out that there isn't a living child anymore. I don't even have a reason to fear this, and I know I just need to calm my titties down, but I can't stop it. I've been having nightmares, mostly about the pictures on facebook.

I have a friend that I used to work with, W. He and his girlfriend were expecting a baby, and I think about five weeks ahead of me. A couple of weeks ago, she went into preterm labor and the baby didn't make it. They were so excited to be parents and it's so heartbreaking on it's own. I had inferred that there was something wrong with the pregnancy from a status that W had put up in the evening, and had kept them in my thoughts all day. Of course because of my worry for my friend, I was anxious and worried about my own pregnancy.

I opened up facebook and found that W and his girlfriend had posted up a ton of pictures of them holding their baby, who did not survive. So my screen is flooded with pictures of a 19 week old child, dead. It was completely surreal, and some of the pictures were of them holding the baby with one arm and holding out the camera phone with the other, myspace profile pic style. I completely could not even cope with this, and it left me very upset and so worried. I decided not to say anything, and just hid the news story so that the pictures wouldn't come up on my feed.

I completely understand that my friend needs to grieve, and that having pictures of the daughter they didn't get to take home is part of that process. But did it need to be put on facebook, especially the closeups of a child that is very obviously not fully formed, not alive, and a reminder that even past the "danger zone" of the first trimester, no pregnancy is completely safe? It was upsetting, and I feel guilty for feeling upset, because I feel like my inability to handle seeing that is judgmental of my friend who is going through one of the toughest times of his life. I'm really not trying to be like that.

Either way, I've been reluctant to purchase anything for the baby that can't be used or easily gifted in case the unthinkable should happen. We bought swaddling blankets, and I told myself that if we lost the baby, I could cut them up into rags and use them to dust. We bought a couple of stuffed animals, and I told myself that if we lost the baby, we could easily give them to children of most any age. I've been reluctant to buy any clothes because what if? How could I give away a onesie or a shirt without seeking out a friend or family member who is holding a newborn that I will not get to hold and say, "I have some clothes, they're gender neutral and they've never been worn." I couldn't.

Well, this week we took that step and bought clothes. I feel like for most people this wouldn't be a big deal, but for me, being able to pick out clothes and purchase them is a big step as far as my anxiety goes. In fact, until just now, at four in the morning when the world is quiet and I am awake with my thoughts, I didn't even worry about never getting to put these clothes on a child. The first thing we bought was a onesie set of three pieces. A light yellow one, one that is white with yellow stars all over it, and one that is white with yellow rubber duckies all over it. We bought it in 0-3 month size and told Matt that if the baby ends up being big, then I want them to wear the stars one home from the hospital. If the baby is smaller than 8 lbs as my due date comes up, we should buy newborn size white onesies.

Today I heard that Old Navy had a sale going on maternity clothes but when we got there we found out that they only sold maternity online. Oh well. On the way out the door, we saw a cute onesie with an orange monster on it and it said, "Mom's Little Monster." It reminded me of the Social Distortion song so we got it, and when we swung by my in-laws house, I showed them. No hesitation, no thoughts of what if I don't get to put this on a baby of my own?

I just bought it because in the moment my mind was completely at ease with the idea that Baby Blastocyst is going to be joining us in March, and that's that.

And how does that make you feel?

Today I had my intake session for therapy. I think it went well. It was easy to talk to her, much easier than I thought it was going to be. I get nervous around strangers, worried that I'll say something stupid. I just answered her questions as honestly as I could, and was surprised that things were just spilling out. I cried when I brought up my mom, but I always do. I miss my mom a lot, and wish she were here. I go back in two weeks, and we set some short and long term goals for what I want to accomplish with our sessions. I'm hopeful. I like that feeling.

Future Mommy Blogger?

Somehow I've come to this idea that being a mommy blogger is somehow a negative thing. However, some of my favorite blogs are written by moms, and about their families. These women share stories of their everyday lives in a language I can understand - mostly cursing. They are unapologetic and deliciously wicked. Somehow I disconnected them with the idea of mommy blogging, and made some unspoken vow that I would never be part of that culture - part of the mommy wars that I associated with mommy bloggers.

But really, why wouldn't I? I keep this blog because I was asked by my best friend who wanted to experience my pregnancy and keep up to date with it. My family lives 1400 miles away from me, my best friend even further. Why wouldn't I continue to blog, collecting my thoughts and pictures of my family and future children as I went? That's silly.

All in the timing

Sometimes I feel the most frustrated by diabetes in the fact that because I am on the 70/30 and trying to be consistent and effective with logging my post-meal sugars, I kind of have to plan things around diabetes. This morning I had oatmeal for breakfast. I felt immediately like going back to sleep because I didn't sleep well last night and between that, pregnancy, and this cold, I am exhausted. However, I stayed awake to check my post-breakfast sugar, and so that I don't have a crash while I nap, I'm going to be eating a sandwich before I take my cold medicine. I'll set an alarm to wake me up in two hours so I can check my sugar again and then hopefully get some more sleep. The only cold medicine that was both sugar free and ok'd by my doctor was the diabetic tussin and my pharmacy only had the nighttime formula in stock. I'm anticipating it knocking me out, especially since I'm taking my other medication at the same time and the Prozac makes me feel a little sleepy and relaxed on a normal basis.

All I want to eat is comfort food (i.e. junk) but I'm trying to make myself eat healthy for the sake of the baby (and me too). I think my body has finally truly gotten used to the reduced food/carb intake because I woke up this morning and I wasn't really hungry. I had a hard time finishing my sandwich the other night. I just haven't had much of an appetite for anything. Except chicken nuggets and apples. Ha ha. Oh well. I made myself eat oatmeal this morning and was vaguely satisfied by how yummy it was. Now I'm actually feeling up to a tuna sandwich so I suppose that's what I'm going to go have right now.

Then it's off the dreamland.

Thursday, Thursday!

Thursday is my favorite day of the week. Thursday is the first day in a new week for me, baby baking-wise. Today, I am 16 weeks along. I have the same steps I take on Thursdays, even though they aren't often in the same order and I'll spread them out through the day. I go on the Bump forums and look at what they have to say about this week's development, and check my baby month board to see if the ticker change thread has been posted. If it has, I post in it. Then I spend at least a full minute marveling at how far along my little strawberry has slid on my ticker.



Then I go to Youtube and I look up the video for this week's progress from pregnancy health guru.

Then I read the next chapters on the two pregnancy books I have that are divided up by weeks. One book was sent to me by my best friend. It's A Bun in the Oven by Kaz Cooke. Then I read the next chapter in Your Pregnancy Week by Week that I'm borrowing from a friend.

And that is why Thursday is the best day in the week. It's research day! :D

This week the various sources tell me that the baby is making facial expressions, might be able to hear my voice, and movement might be felt. I've already felt the first movements, although they don't happen often. I'm looking forward to progressing farther along and feeling movement stronger and more often. Huzzah!

Diabetes and the common cold

So because of this dumb cold, my blood sugar has been high. I eat normal amounts of carbs, and yesterday my sugar was high. I did well at lunch, which I had been worried about because I had spiced apples and country fried steak and zero idea how many carbs that was. But two hours later, my sugar was 110, under the 120 my doctor wants to see. I took my sugar again before dinner, and it had popped up to 135. Fan-freaking-tastic. I took my insulin and ate dinner, which consisted of a sandwich. Three hours later I realized I needed to take my after dinner sugar. Even with the extra hour post meal, it was 185. Gaaaah. Matt pointed out that I can't not eat, and higher blood sugar when sick is normal. But it's still upsetting after all my hard work to keep my sugar in check. So I think that I need to call the doctor's office today and ask what's safe for me to take for a cold so I can get over this bullshit more quickly and go back to being normal (for me).

Also, Monday I have my intake appointment with the therapist. Being on Prozac has given me some relief from my irrational thoughts and anxiety, but I worry that it's just a chemical relief. I've dealt with feelings of depression since I was very young and I have a formal diagnosis of severe clinical depression. I just feel like if I were to come off of the Prozac, even after birth when my hormones have calmed down, that I would still be struggling. I'm worried about post-partum depression, too. So I think that seeing a therapist and hopefully confronting and gaining other coping mechanisms for my problems and anxieties will be more helpful than just continuing to medicate and leaving it at that.

Yesterday when Matt's mom called, she asked him when my next doctor's appointment is, which is on the 9th. Matt told her I was seeing the therapist for the first time on the 8th. I just stared him down, and he saw and quickly assured her that it was a routine thing, and changed the subject. We need to talk about what is okay and what is not okay for him to tell about my medical care and plans. I just don't want to talk about having to see a therapist with his parents because it's awkward and I feel like it's an invitation for questioning that I don't particularly have a desire to answer. I'd like to keep my mental health issues private between he, my doctors, and myself. And I guess the internet too.

Sick again

I think I need to call the doctor and see what kinds of cold medicines are safe for me to take. I feel awful and Matt says I have a fever. Fun fun.

The crazy pregnancy dreams are back. The other night I had a disturbing one about my next ultrasound, and a nurse trying to draw blood from me using a needle the size of a straw driven through my palm. It was crazy. Last night I dreamed that Nina, the preschooler that I used to babysit, was unhappy living with her parents. I watched her out of the blue, and found her to be depressed and withdrawn, not at all like her usual self. Her mother had tried to stretch her ears, and had ripped them. She shrank away from touch. It was really disturbing, and I took her out for pancakes to try and cheer her up. Matt said that at one point he had woken up about an hour before I did and he thought I was awake too at first. However, when he talked to me, I would respond but not with the proper things. He said that he'd told me he loved me and I said, "I've got to save you."