Self Worth and Progress

When I spoke to the lactation consultant in the hospital, I reported excruciating pain when pumping. At the time, my nipples were bruised from Lorelai and I learning how to latch properly, and she suggested I go from the 24 mm flanges to the 27. They did feel a bit better, and so I used them. I thought because I was rubbing the side with my right nipple that I needed a bigger flange. It turns out that the 27 were just too big and it wasn't my nipples rubbing the edge, but my areola being sucked into the flange. We got a pair of 30mm, and I've been using a 27 on the left side, but 30 on the right. And pumping has been painful, and I'm fairly certain that I'm still pulling areola in. 

Today on a whim, I tried the 24 again, and I got more milk than I have been getting on my first pump of the day. I got 20ml, wheras yesterday's first pump for the day was only 7ml. Yesterday through the entire day, I pumped 1 ounce, so I'm looking forward to seeing what happens today. It's less painful, and I didn't get a debilitating migraine when I pumped. I could be better hydrated, or it could have been that the headaches were induced by stress or a subneural connection with the pain I was feeling when pumping. 

Either way, not dealing with migraines every few hours has done wonders for the way I feel today. I was starting to break down last night, feeling incredibly depressed. The fact of the matter is that my sense of self worth is intrinsically tied to my progress with the pump and my supply of breastmilk. I have a lifetime of my body not responding correctly. From my childhood when I learned very early that I was lesser because I was fat, to my young adulthood when my painful response to sex made me feel even more broken, to the events of my pregnancy and induction, my body lets me down a lot. I've never wanted anything as desperately as I want to be able to nourish my child. I couldn't do it while she was in the womb, which is why she was brought out early. 

I don't think that Matt understands how detrimental this struggle has been to my mood and ability to stay afloat. I don't think he understands how awful I feel as a person. I'm not proud of the feelings that I've been having over the last few days. 

I'm feeling hopeful with the little progress I've seen with the 24mm flanges, and I'm hoping that by the end of the day, I'll have made 2 ounces. I'm upping my fenugreek dosage to 3600mg from 2400. Tonight we're going to the guys' house and I'll take my pump with me and borrow a bathroom or empty bedroom to pump in, and hopefully we will have good news by the end of the day.