Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Always cold, always horny

I've been feeling really depressed lately, mainly because our move didn't quite go the way I envisioned. I expected to have the kids up until when we moved, but that last week I only had them each one day. It was a huge hit to the money we expected to have when moving, on top of my running out of insulin at the same time means that we essentially had nothing. Now, with me not working, I feel useless. My self esteem has taken a huge hit, and my worries about the baby and our future are even stronger. I know we'll be okay, and I worry needlessly most of the time. I'm just so exhausted, I'm having a hard time finding the motivation to do anything.

On top of that, I'm constantly cold. It could be hormones, or as my sister pointed out, iron deficiency. My mom and my sister both had iron deficiencies in their pregnancies so I'm trying to make sure that I get extra iron in my diet and take my prenatals. Last night at Matt's parents house, I was shivering from the cold, even though everyone else was comfortable. The nausea is still here and persisting.

And to top it off, I'm horny. I keep humping Matt while he sleeps, find myself playing with myself absentmindedly, and going off into lalaland, daydreaming about sexytime. It's kind of driving me crazy. Ha ha.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Jerk

I am 6 weeks along now. According to the things I've read, it means that Baby Blastocyst now has a beating heart, and is still cooking up all those major organs. I read an article on a woman who was born without a uterus and apparently, this is the stage of development where something went wrong and parts didn't get created. It's a little scary. I'm doing very well with my blood sugars, hovering between 85 and 110 (4.7 and 6.1 for those of you who use that measurement), and have actually had more lows, which is a good sign. The scariest was last night around midnight when I was feeling strange so I went downstairs for some water and checked my sugar only to find that it was 55 (3)! I had a peanut butter sandwich, heavy on the white chocolate peanut butter (Mmmmmm!) and this morning I woke up with a normal sugar so all is well.

It looks like we'll have to find a nearby Walmart for my insulin. We went to the local Kroger pharmacy and the Novolin 70/30 that they have is 70 dollars for a bottle! The walmart Humulin 70/30 is 25. Also, I'm down to my last 50 test strips for my meter, testing around 4 times a day, and for the brand of meter that I have at Kroger, it's over $1 per STRIP. So a box of 100 strips (would last roughly a month) is $112. I need insurance. This is ridiculous. I broke down and cried at Kroger, because I feel so guilty. Guilty for it  being so expensive to keep me healthy.

I kind of feel like a douchebag for being pregnant, and ridiculous for feeling like a jerk on top of that. I found out through an awkward conversation that my landlady had a miscarriage last year and they've been trying for a while to have a baby, so there are awkward feels going on. She says it's hard, being in her situation, and it seems like her friends are all having babies around her, and she doesn't mean to be mean or bitchy, but that she's sorry in advance. And I feel awful. I don't talk about being pregnant much, except to Matt and Hannah, and I don't want to be that person. I understand, I really do. I've wanted a baby for so long, and I was the one watching everyone get pregnant while I felt like I couldn't. And watching women like Cuntface have kids, gaaah. It was frustrating, and I understand the upset feels.

I'm scared too. 1/5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I'm automatically at high risk having diabetes. I'll feel better when the ultrasound happens. Just about 2 weeks now until I get to see BB! Now I think it's time for a nap.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

No rest for the wicked

It has been less than a week since I found out I am pregnant. Last week around the time my period should have been starting, I began to experience low, dull cramping. It was very similar to the first cramps I get a few days before my period so I didn't think anything of it. But days went by, around four, with no sign of a period and still the persistent cramps. Saturday night I asked my fiance, Matt, to bring home a pregnancy test. Sunday morning I took the first, and it came out positive. Monday morning brought the same result, and we called a local pregnancy clinic for an appointment. Tuesday night the clinical pregnancy test also came out positive, and now on Thursday, it feels like it's been ages since that first test.

Of course I didn't get any time feeling fine to enjoy being pregnant. I'm not sure if the symptoms are psychosomatic, but starting either Monday or Tuesday morning, I started feeling persisting nausea starting from around two hours after I woke up. Tuesday I started feeling backaches, and fatigue. Of course, the backaches might just be from packing and moving. Yesterday the nausea wasn't bad, but this morning it is. I just guess I envisioned at least a few weeks where I could bask in being pregnant without feeling sick when I found I was around 5 weeks along.

I'm taking lots of breaks, and Matt's pulling the heavy lifting. I've had a few panic attacks, just because of the stress. Once we're moved out and in a welcoming, relaxed environment, I'm sure the stress levels will go way down. I have a job interview today, and Matt does as well. I'm hoping for the best for both of us. The money I make will go to savings to prepare for the baby, and the money that Matt makes will keep us alive, ha ha. If he gets this better job, things are going to get a lot better for our little family. After all, there's three of us now!