Decoding the Secret Language of Babies

It's not the baby's fault she's an asshole, I think to myself as we rock and I sing to her. I try the bottle again. She holds it in her mouth for a couple of halfhearted sucks and continues to scream. I rub her back, kiss her forehead, and continue rocking and singing. Her diaper is dry, she's warm. I can't think of any reason she should be crying aside from the fact that she is a tiny little douchecanoe. It's not her fault, I remind myself. Look at who her parents are. 

 Lorelai has a delightful new habit in which she wails incessantly for no apparent reason, until she wears herself out. She'll pass out, somehow manage to get hiccups, and then wake up to start all over again, upset at the hiccups. It's a riveting drama that only seems to be playing when I'm home alone with her.

Jerk.

Why couldn't she spring this on Matt? I think it might be a hint that I've got a Daddy's Girl. I think I might have finally translated what it means, though, and hopefully peace can descend on our village once more. What I'm pretty sure she's saying when she gets like this is, "Get out of my face, Mom, but I really want to be cuddled." Yesterday and today during these fits, I needed something to do with my hands that didn't involve strangling my daughter or writing a sign to place by her on the street. Free puppy! Not housetrained. So I kissed her forehead and swaddled her. And the crying immediately stopped.

Oh she glared. I was staring at an angry burrito, but it was a burrito stuffed full of hot, satisfying SUBMISSION. So this is my new coping tactic for the crying. Swaddling.

Also, we had our Centering reunion, though only two other ladies ended up showing. It was still fun to see them, their babies, and talk about our births. I'm planning on making playdates with them as our kiddos grow up.

Can you tell which child is mine? HINT: SHE IS THE ONE WHO IS CRYING.

New insulin, huzzah!

I've been switched off the 70/30 insulin and onto a Lantus/Novolog combo. It's what I've been asking for for a long time now, and hopefully will work much better for us. I haven't feeling very well lately and I really think it's been my blood glucose levels. So hopefully I'll feel better as soon as my system can balance out.

Lorelai is doing so well. At my 6 week appointment I was cleared for exercise so we'll be starting the couch to 5k program together, using the jogging stroller. :) She's starting to stay awake more, focus more, and lift her head. It's exciting, because this is just a glimpse of the next milestones to come - when she'll look in our eyes and smile and laugh, when she'll start cooing and burbling, playing and communicating beyond just letting us know when she's hungry or uncomfortable.

Good and Bad

Lorelai slept through the night last night! I was starting to to think it would never happen, but we had a stretch of about five and a half hours of uninterrupted sleep, which I think was good for both of us.

I've been in need of a pick me up. Lorelai still won't nurse and I found that she's got an upper lip frenulum tie. It could be making it too uncomfortable for her to stay latched. On top of that, my milk supply is drying up. Despite my best efforts, we're down to producing 1/2 an ounce per day.

The first pump of the day is where I tend to get the most, and this was what I got for today, despite having started to leak just before hooking myself to the milker. It's disheartening, but it might just be best for us for me to stop stressing about it and let what happens happen. I'm going to keep pumping until there's nothing left, just so she gets the absolute most breastmilk she can, but I think that it might just be best for my stress levels to accept that we had the deck stacked against us and we lost this battle.

Today is supposed to be beautiful and 75 so later we're going to go for a long walk around Maymont park. It will be nice to get out and about, and see the gardens in bloom.

Our SAGA

Lorelai's been fussy all night, per my last post. I finally got her to go to sleep, swaddled her and put her in the crib and drew a nice hot bath to try and get rid of some of the back pain I've been feeling. And as soon as I stepped into the tub.... little miss started screaming. So I tried to soothe her and lay her back down, didn't work. I pulled her swing into the bathroom and tried that. Nope. Tried to put her in her car seat and sit it by the tub so she could see me, and nope. Ha ha. She just wanted to be held. So I added cooler water to what was going to be my lovely rehabilitative soak until it was a safe temperature for her and brought her in with me. She calmed down, behind held and sang to in our warm bath, and we both got clean so I guess that's a plus. :D

One drawback is that I always have my hair up, and she's starting to grab at things now, and I was completely unprepared for my hair to be accosted. She pulled out quite a bit of my hair before our little drama was completely finished.

I won't say that I didn't enjoy the fact that she just wanted to be held by me, even if my back is still killing me and I am currently afraid to move off the couch for fear of waking the beast and experiencing the Hellmouth once more.

She sure is a cute little devil though.

Happy baby, angry baby

After throwing a huuuuge fit in which she did not want bottle, boob, swaddle, swing, or pacifier, Lorelai fell asleep like this and is really content. I'm thinking about trying to lay her down in the crib and taking a hot bath.

This morning, however, she was incredibly happy, and smiling a little as we played on the couch. I even have photographic proof!

And then I dropped the camera on her face and both our days went downhill from there. WOMP WOMP WOOOOOMMMPPP

1 month checkup

Well, she's more like a month and a week old, but we had the 1 month checkup today! :) Lorelai now weighs 7 lbs and 8 ounces, which means she's gained almost two lbs in the last two and a half weeks! Holy moly! Although I had noticed a couple of days ago that she'd been fitting her newborn clothes much better, and one of her preemie outfits doesn't fit anymore.

So now she's not quite so little anymore. Both my best friend and my husband had the same reaction to her weight - "She's a real baby now!" and I guess she is. 7.5 lbs is a pretty average weight for newborns, so it's like she's finally in that league. There are a couple of other exciting things too, she's starting to track things with her eyes a little bit more, like faces and the toy that hangs off the handle of her carseat. She's smiling more, and not just when she's in the middle of farting!

She's also 19 1/2 inches, and the weird welts on the back of her neck are indeed just birthmarks. All of my holding her is paying off because there aren't any flat spots on her head, which the pediatrician was pleased to see, and she handled her Hepatitis B vaccination like a champ.

Last night she spent most of the night in the crib. Once I decided it was bedtime, I swaddled her and rocked her to sleep, laid her down. After about twenty minutes she managed to wiggle out of the swaddle and woke herself up. I re-swaddled, warmed up a little bit of breastmilk and snuggled her while she sipped on it to soothe herself and slowly fell asleep again while we rocked and I sang to her. I laid her down again and what do you know - she slept for close to 2 hours in the crib!

I of course didn't get that much sleep because I am a neurotic mess and had to check on her every few minutes because I felt like she was sleeping too quietly. She might have slept longer if it hadn't been for me poking her in the nose a few times when I tried to feel if she was breathing.

GAWD MOM, pull it together. Tonight we're determined to have her sleep in the crib the full night through, because well... she's not going to be small enough to sleep in my lap forever.

P.S. Chubby baby snores are ADORABLE.

Silver Linings

I bet you can't tell which breast is the one that actually produces milk! Or actually it's pretty obvious, right?

Lorelai is a month and 2 days old now! Huzzah! It's hard to believe it's already been a month since she was born, and my induction. I still have nightmares about it, and this week in therapy I admitted that I kind of mourn the way it all happened. I feel very disconnected with the idea of motherhood. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel like I didn't give birth. I was pregnant, and then I wasn't. I don't have any pictures of me holding her in the hospital, because I was the one that took all the pictures. When she was born, I was cut off, on the other side of a curtain staring at the droplets of blood that had spattered on it that I could see through the wash of blue. And then the NICU, and then our breastfeeding woes.

I feel very much like from the moment my induction started, I was dancing through it all like a dream, and this didn't really happen to me. I sometimes expect to feel little feet kicking in my stomach. But they don't, they kick on my lap, and in the bathtub. I'm happy she's here, unmistakeably. I love her intensely and it makes me happy when she smiles in her sleep or accidentally shoves a finger up her nose in her determination to eat her palm.

Somehow, though, the way it all happened is a block in keeping me from being completely content. At least one good thing has come from it, one silver lining. I was having trouble with a bit of writing I'm working on for Althanas that describes the pain of a deep wound healing and bruising along bones and the bruising from the epidural attempts and the healing of a C section incision are being incredibly helpful in transporting me to the character's point of view.

So there's that. Little wins.