Saturday, September 29, 2012

Is it time to see the doctor YET?

The days have been going by so slowly. I feel like it's taking forever to get through three weeks. I'm only halfway there! I have ten whole days before I see the doctor again. I'm hoping that our next appointment we'll be scheduled for our anatomy scan, which is the ultrasound where we find out what we're having.

I don't think I'm showing yet, but I'm definitely getting thicker. Ha ha. Most of my tee shirts are too snug around my middrift to be comfortable anymore. We bought our first maternity top. It's not even a maternity top. I got it in the plus size section of Target, because none of the actual maternity stuff Target had appealed to me. BUT WHATEVER. There's plenty of room to grow in the belly area which is the most important.

I normally don't do plaid, but I like it. It might be the direction the stripes go on the front pockets, but I think it makes my boobs look much larger than they are. Ha ha. No wonder Matt likes it so much.

Friday, September 21, 2012

My dilemma.

Nothing I have to eat sounds appetizing. Normally I am not a picky eater. I eat with zeal and happiness, being able to find pretty much anything at any time. I have done pure witchcraft in the kitchen, coming up with the weirdest things but they work. Now that I'm pregnant, things I used to love seem disgusting. My tastes have changed. For instance, we get these spinach wraps that I used to adore. Now I can't stomach the taste. I get two bites in and start gagging. I'm so picky it's not funny.

So I'm sitting here getting hungry for dinner but nothing we have sounds good. I don't want a sandwich, I don't want meatballs. We need to go grocery shopping so my options are kind of limited. I really just want to grab like three things of yogurt and eat those to make my carb needs and then lay back down in bed. This is a new height of laziness.

Chicken nuggets sound good, strangely. And green beans. I might go to to the store and get what I need for them. Onward for dinner!

Second trimester, ho!

I thought I had left constipation behind a few weeks back, but there I was today, sitting dejectedly on the throne, wishing I'd popped some Colace before I went to bed last night. And from here on out, as baby grows, it's only going to persist. Ah, the fun things no one tells you about when they talk about pregnancy. Of course they all mention morning sickness and sore boobs. I've been lucky and haven't thrown up at all through my first trimester. There were a couple of times I thought I would, and I had a low grade nausea, especially in weeks 5-9 that just seemed like it would never go away. Still, not nearly as bad as what many women go through.

Now we're in the second trimester, where things should get better for a short time. I feel like we've cleared an important milestone, but there is still so long to go, and so much that can go wrong. I know I worry too much, and our chances for miscarriage have gone down significantly, but I still can't help but feel anxious. My next doctor's appointment isn't scheduled for three more weeks, on the 9th of October. I wanted to say I felt like that was too long, but that's silly. Everything looked fine, and I'm not having any appalling symptoms. I just don't think I'll be able to rest until I have this baby healthy and happy in my arms.

Sorry your mom is such a fruitcake, Blasto. I'll try not to be too crazy while you're growing up.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Little bubbles

So I'm pretty sure I just felt the baby move. I was laying back, playing Skyrim when I felt what I can only describe as little bubbles in my pelvic region. It definitely wasn't gas. Craziness.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


Another prenatal visit today. I got a flu shot, and of course there was no change in my insulin. All of my worries were dismissed, and not really addressed. I don't like the way the 70/30 makes me feel like an automoton, they bring up that my numbers are good and she's not worried about me having one that's a bit high here and there. I bring up that the dietician wants me to eat 2-3 servings of carbs per meal and I can't do that without running high and that's dismissed as "well, it's fine that you're not gaining weight in the first trimester."

The doctor, of course a new one because I never see the same one twice, said "if it's not broke, don't fix it." Well okay, but are you sure it's not broke? Because I feel pretty broken.

Once again we couldn't hear the baby on the doppler. This time I was whisked down the hall to an ultrasound room so that they could confirm the heart was beating. Thanks for cooperating baby.

And thanks for taking the time to listen to me, VCU medical center. Every appointment so far has been the same. Look at my blood sugar logs, mention that they still don't have my lab work from the health department and then carry on, business as usual. I'm so lost and confused. Shouldn't I be talking about birth plans or even getting a little understanding about what happens this spring? Is this normal to not have a plan right now because I'm so early? I just wish there was more information, or that I was actually seeing the same doctor every time.

So far pregnancy has not been a friend to me. 

Monday, September 17, 2012

Fundus among us

So I've been jealous of women talking about being able to feel their fundus, showing a bump, etc, because I felt that as an overweight pregnant woman I would never feel these things. Tonight, though, I was rubbing on my belly. It comforts me, even though I'm not sure the baby can even feel it right now. I thought I felt something strange. I asked Matt to feel, as he knows a bit more about anatomy from nursing school than I do. "Do you feel that, that hard spot?" "Yes." "Is it bone?" "Nope." "I think it's the top of my uterus." "Yup, that's your fundus."
Hell yeah. I've got a goddamn fundus.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

A stubborn baby

Look at that baby waving hello!

So, we got to the ultrasound and started out with her trying to find the baby on my belly. The pictures weren't looking very clear, but it didn't take long to see the baby moving, the heartbeat going, and my fears assuaged. We switched to a vaginal ultrasound so the tech could see things more clearly. Man are those uncomfortable. She prodded me a bit to try and get the baby to turn over so she could get good measurements of the back of it's neck for the nuchal translucency test and laughed and told me I had a stubborn baby. Babe was like, "lol nope" and pretty much just hung out where it wanted the whole time. Although he did wave his arms a bit at us, and at one point it looked like he was dancing the hula. Ha ha. He did a lot of stretching, which I guess is nice for it while there's still room in there to stretch.

Look at those legs! Sorry baby for putting a picture of your butt on the internet. I'll try not to post any more, and I promise to never put naked butt pictures of you on Facebook. We never did get the measurements that were needed but the tech said everything else looked good. Hopefully we'll go back in a few weeks to try again and everything will be more cooperative.

In other news, Matt's working 11pm to 7am all weekend, which sucks. It sucks for him to have to flip his sleep schedule just for the weekend and then flip it again for the week. It sucks for me because I'm incapable of getting a good night's sleep without him. I finally passed out last night around 1 in the morning from sheer exhaustion and woke up at 4:30, unable to sleep again. Gah. He'll be home in a couple of hours, though, and I'll go back to sleep with him.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Useless with worry, ha.

I can't think or function. Ha ha. I have my NT ultrasound in two days and I feel like that's all I can focus on. I guess because we weren't able to see the baby's heartbeat and it's been a month since my first ultrasound, I've been really worried. I get this awful foreboding feeling that there is something wrong and I lost the baby, but I'm trying to stay positive. There have been a few posts in the last couple of weeks on The Bump from ladies who went in for their ultrasound and found they had miscarried weeks back but showed no symptoms. I just really don't want that to happen. After how long I've wanted to be a mother and how excited I've been, and all this damn struggling. Ha ha. I don't know what I'll do if we get bad news on Friday but it's all I can think about.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Oh boy

My body doesn't make any sense to me. So I've done what the dietician wanted me to and there seems to be no rhyme or reason with how my blood sugar will react. Take breakfast. I picked up bagel thins, and laughing cow strawberry cream cheese. I've been eating a bagel and cream cheese. The first two mornings, my sugar was good, on target or below after eating it. The next two mornings, I was way high. I just don't understand, especially because it's the same portions of both carbs and protein. I ate a full sandwich and did okay one day, another day I ate half a sandwich and was a bit high. I hate my body, I hate the 70/30 insulin. It's just completely disheartening.

I don't even really want to eat anymore. I dread food because it's just so stressful and tedious to constantly count, guess, and oh lookie there, I did everything I was supposed to and still fucked up. Surprise surprise.

Friday, September 7, 2012

To boldly go

Today is my third day on antidepressants and I'm having a pretty good day. However, most antidepressants need a week or two in your system to begin to affect change, so it could just be that I'm having a good day today and that's that. I'm still grateful for it. I've mostly been laying around, staring at Tumblr or desperately trying to get the motivation to do something that I want to do, but unable to actually move or do it. This morning was mostly like that, but around dinnertime I perked up noticably. Now I'm doing laundry, watching Star Trek, feel like both posting in my class and writing on Althanas. I feel like I can actually function. This is nice, and I hope the feeling sticks around.

Also Leonard Nemoy is a sexy bitch. And now I've got Mr. Spock by Nerf Herder stuck in my head.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

On a scale of 1-10, I feel pretty negative.

Yesterday I had my latest doctor appointment and it was a rough day. I asked for a higher nighttime insulin dose, because at 17 units I'm really afraid to eat much. I feel like a little more would let me eat normal dinners, add in pasta and rice, etc. They looked over my glucose log, and decided to keep me where I am. I was told that my post-dinner numbers have been really great so that I should go ahead and add more carbs and see how that goes. Well, I want to keep them fantastic and low. I don't want to be right at where the cutoff is. Whatever, I guess. I brought up switching my insulin type again and was told once again "The 70/30 seems to be working really well. Let's stay with that." I just feel more out of control.

Next, I met with the dietician and she expressed concern that I'm not meeting calorie needs. Not only was she not happy with what she saw in my food log, but I've lost more weight. So I talked about my fears with the insulin and about adding carbohydrate calories. She told me she'd like me to up my carb intake by a few more servings a day but also to up my protein intake. She pointed out that she thought I wasn't getting enough of that either. Well okay. I'll try.

When I was talking to the doctor, I mentioned that I felt like I wasn't coping with depression very well so they also had me meet with the social worker. I talked to her about my options for counseling, because I really think I need to talk to a professional. I can look objectively at my thoughts and recognize that my anxieties and thoughts aren't normal, or healthy right now. The night before my doctor's appointment, I spent five hours straight crying. She had me get in touch with a counseling service at MCV. I went through the application process, and within a week or two I should hear from them. Meanwhile, my doctor gave me a prescription for Prozac. She mentioned that feeling having me feel better was more important and healthier overall than the very low risks for antidepressants affecting the pregnancy. I decided I would do myself a favor and not look up the risks.

The dietician wants me to apply for food stamps. She thinks that would help me to be able to meet my calorie count, if I could buy more meats and nuts. She suggested it and I told her flat out that we didn't buy much of either because they were expensive. We're struggling right now, and unless Matt gets put on full time at the nursing home, I don't think we'll make enough between his two jobs to get our own place in January, much less be able to buy groceries. More anxiety. I don't know. I really just don't know what to do. I wish I didn't feel like I was so useless and unhelpful to the situation. I've put in my application to be a substitute teacher at a few of the local school districts. Hopefully I pick up some work soon.

The doctor tried to hear the heartbeat, and she had warned a couple of times that I'm still early in so they might not hear it but I'm still worried. With the weight loss, and that. I'm worried something's wrong and we lost the baby and don't know it yet. I have an ultrasound on the 14th so hopefully we get good news then.

Sunday, September 2, 2012


Today is a continuation of not feeling good. Only today I took it out on Matt. I'm feeling really neglected, even though he's very sweet, it's just that he gives attention at the wrong times. I woke up and he was in his chair, at the computer. He brought me breakfast while I took my insulin. The shot hurt, I guess I managed to hit a nerve, and I cried. I'm just tired, and sick, and I didn't get much sleep last night. He tried to hug me while I cried but I really didn't want it right then. I just wanted to be left alone. The rest of the monring he spent on WoW, until there was no more time and he had to get ready for work. I guess it's selfish, I just would have liked to wake up to cuddles or gotten cuddles sometime today. I feel really down and just so unbelievably tired. I don't think I'm doing well in my class even though I like it. I just can't motivate myself to do much of anything.

Matt tried to suggest to me today that I should get out more. He started very hesitant, watching his words, but it came out that he thinks I'm turning into a recluse.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Fuck you, bran flakes

So, I can't eat bran flakes. I was eating rice chex, but they're so bland and get soggy so quick that I wanted to try something else. We got bran flakes, and I've been eating it with some splenda sprinkled on top. I thought the higher fiber content might make it more friendly to my blood sugar. Nope. Yesterday my post-breakfast sugar was 190, today it was 195. It's not even like I'm filling the bowl to the brim. I'm eating the same amount that I was eating of the Rice Chex, and they didn't nearly affect me like this.

I'm in a really sour mood now because of it. I hate my body, and I fucking hate this stupid disease. I also hate all the little comments I've gotten because of it from people who think they're being clever about my also being pregnant. "Oh, better watch out. All those cravings won't be good for your blood sugar, ho ho ho." "You're diabetic, right? Well at least that might keep you from gaining weight because of the cravings! ;)" Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you, eat a dick. 

I even get a little irritated to the woman who was trying to be sympathetic and told me, "Oh you're just craving those things (meaning nachos, Ramen, spaghetti, etc) because you can't have them." No, I crave them because they're fucking delicious.

I'm feeling decidedly irritated with Matt today. Meh. I need a cave that I can crawl into and breathe fire for a while. Maybe murder some peasants.