Yesterday I had my latest doctor appointment and it was a rough day. I asked for a higher nighttime insulin dose, because at 17 units I'm really afraid to eat much. I feel like a little more would let me eat normal dinners, add in pasta and rice, etc. They looked over my glucose log, and decided to keep me where I am. I was told that my post-dinner numbers have been really great so that I should go ahead and add more carbs and see how that goes. Well, I want to keep them fantastic and low. I don't want to be right at where the cutoff is. Whatever, I guess. I brought up switching my insulin type again and was told once again "The 70/30 seems to be working really well. Let's stay with that." I just feel more out of control.
Next, I met with the dietician and she expressed concern that I'm not meeting calorie needs. Not only was she not happy with what she saw in my food log, but I've lost more weight. So I talked about my fears with the insulin and about adding carbohydrate calories. She told me she'd like me to up my carb intake by a few more servings a day but also to up my protein intake. She pointed out that she thought I wasn't getting enough of that either. Well okay. I'll try.
When I was talking to the doctor, I mentioned that I felt like I wasn't coping with depression very well so they also had me meet with the social worker. I talked to her about my options for counseling, because I really think I need to talk to a professional. I can look objectively at my thoughts and recognize that my anxieties and thoughts aren't normal, or healthy right now. The night before my doctor's appointment, I spent five hours straight crying. She had me get in touch with a counseling service at MCV. I went through the application process, and within a week or two I should hear from them. Meanwhile, my doctor gave me a prescription for Prozac. She mentioned that feeling having me feel better was more important and healthier overall than the very low risks for antidepressants affecting the pregnancy. I decided I would do myself a favor and not look up the risks.
The dietician wants me to apply for food stamps. She thinks that would help me to be able to meet my calorie count, if I could buy more meats and nuts. She suggested it and I told her flat out that we didn't buy much of either because they were expensive. We're struggling right now, and unless Matt gets put on full time at the nursing home, I don't think we'll make enough between his two jobs to get our own place in January, much less be able to buy groceries. More anxiety. I don't know. I really just don't know what to do. I wish I didn't feel like I was so useless and unhelpful to the situation. I've put in my application to be a substitute teacher at a few of the local school districts. Hopefully I pick up some work soon.
The doctor tried to hear the heartbeat, and she had warned a couple of times that I'm still early in so they might not hear it but I'm still worried. With the weight loss, and that. I'm worried something's wrong and we lost the baby and don't know it yet. I have an ultrasound on the 14th so hopefully we get good news then.
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