I had my high risk appointment with MCV, and was really optimistic. My biggest goal was talking to the doctor about my insulin, showing how the 70/30 combination wasn't being helpful and how I wanted to get on separate NPH and fast acting shots so that I could shoot insulin for what I ate, instead of eating based on the effectiveness of the insulin. Well, the doctor chose not to change my insulin. I'm still on the 70/30, just on a slightly larger dosage. I started crying in the doctor's office, which I think freaked out my doctor. I cried on the way to Matt's work to pick up his paycheck. I cried while he was inside getting it. I cried on the way to Wal-mart to grab more insulin. I cried in Wal-mart. I cried on the way home. I cried at home. I woke up and cried some more. I've been crying on and off all day.
The doctor tried to gently explain that they thought the 70/30 was the best idea for me, easiest for me to handle, and that upping the dosage would let me eat more. "We don't want you to starve," she kept saying. But that's not the problem, and it was very hard for me to articulate my disappointment. The crushing disappointment. I'm fine with the AMOUNT of food I'm eating now, because I'm not really suffering. I have options for carb-free snacks. I snack on veggies, cheese, and lunch meat when I need to. It's the amount of carbs in my meals that is a hindrance, as well as the complete lack of spontaneity. I can't have spaghetti or stir fry or rice. I can't have a bean and cheese burrito, even though I really really want one. I'm not having problem with craving food outside of mealtimes, but I have very clear and present cravings when it's time for a meal and I'm hungry. And I can't have any of it. It's demoralizing.
I tried to explain to the doctor. "The lack of freedom is the biggest problem with the 70/30. Like, we go out with friends and someone suggests we get ice cream or frozen yogurt and I completely cannot have it, unless I'd specifically planned for it and had zero carbs at dinner and gotten my blood sugar nice and low. And if my blood sugar isn't low, plans are ruined and I can't have that." It seems like such a small thing, but it gets old fast, and upsetting. I was really counting out a change in insulin to let me be a normal human being. Fuck. I'm crying again now.
It's even harder because no one seems to get it. The doctor and Matt are both like, "Obviously this isn't every day, but your sugars are looking good. It's okay if every once in a while you have a treat and your sugars are a bit high." Only to me, it's not. Not when I've been presented with all this information about what high blood sugar can do to a developing embryo. The ADA says that you should have your sugars in control for at least 3 months before you get pregnant, or else your chances for defects go up 5 times. If your sugars are high in early pregnancy, those chances are upped to 9 times. My sugar was out of control when we got pregnant, I struggled for a month to get them into good ranges. I'm scared to death that there's a neural tube defect or heart defect that my first ultrasound wasn't able to detect that we're not going to find out about for another ten weeks. I can't, in good conscience, let my sugar slip for one treat a week or whatever when I have all this information about what organs and systems are developing in my kid right now, knowing that if I'm irresponsible, something could develop incorrectly that forever ruins the life my kid could have. Is fucking frozen yogurt worth my kid needing heart surgery as a toddler or being mentally disabled?
I might be over-worrying about this, but I feel like I'm the only person who keeps this shit in mind, or understands the pressure. When Matt told his mom about the doctor's decision and my disappointment, she said, "Well, she doesn't need to just be eating whatever she wants anyway." I got so mad. I didn't want my insulin changed so I could go and stuff my face with junk. I wanted it so I could have some semblance of a normal life. So I could eat a small bowl of spaghetti with a salad and taking the insulin to cover 30 or 40 grams of carbs. So that I could actually have a full sandwich. So that I don't have to die of jealousy anymore.
I can't click on any threads that have to do with food or cravings on the Bump forums anymore. I get so pissed at women who are like, "Oh, feel sorry for me, all I crave is candy and all I'll let myself indulge is a candy bar every day and some cake at dessert, oh I'm so bad, poor pitiful me." Because fuck you, lady.
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