An absence of sleep and feeling in my feet

Getting comfortable and sleeping through the night is getting difficult and I'm not even big yet. Ha ha. I think it has more to do with the air mattress and less to do with being pregnant, although getting up to pee and make sure I'm not going to hurl in the middle of the night doesn't help the situation. I'm sure this doesn't help the feeling of exhaustion that persists though the day.

Another fine point of pregnancy seems to be a lessening of my circulation in my feet. Paired with the circulation problems I already have by virtue of being diabetic, and it means that my feet tingle all the time and I'm constantly having to check to make sure they aren't discolored or that the cut I managed to get on the top of my right foot is still healing well and not infected. I don't know why but for some reason thinking about losing a foot or leg in the middle of pregnancy is hilarious to me. I can't explain it except to say that temporarily I've lost my mind, be back later.

I need to get a job soon. I've been really depressed lately, looking at all the help Matt's parents have given us and the fact that if they didn't, we wouldn't be able to survive. I told Matt that I went ahead with this move because I was sure that we would be fine financially, and we would be if I weren't pregnant and we didn't have to watch my health so carefully. So I feel guilty, and angry, and upset, and hungry all the goddamn time. I've been crying a lot, and listless. I get to feeling cruddy and all I can do is lay in bed, with my own morbid thoughts. I think it's starting to really upset Matt. I joked with him the other day that he could just push me down the stairs and then bring me hot pockets in the hospital because blood sugar be damned then. He stared at me for a moment and said, "How can you say something like that so calmly and cheerfully? No. Just no." and gave me a hug. And he's right, that's not normal of me to think. So I think it's a big sign that I need to ask the doctor about pregnancy safe anti-depressants when we go in next week for the check up.

I probably won't make another blog post until next week, either after my first pre-natal visit or the ultrasound that happens the next day, on Tuesday.