Worth hoping for

I'm still working on unpacking and putting away everything in our new home. While going through the boxes that we've had in storage, I came across the small collection of Star Wars kid's shirts and onesies that I'd grabbed when I saw them in the Target clearance rack about three years ago when I was working there. They've been a small source of anxiety and hurt over the years. Every time I pulled down the shoebox they were in, looking inside and finding these clothes that I'd grabbed for a future child that was still just an idea, it would bring back my fears of infertility, of the dream of being a mother being an impossible one.

This week I'll begin to wash and put away all of Lorelai's clothing, including these items that I've cried over the years, fearing they'd never cloth my child. I got excited with this particular onesie. It's 18 month size, so she'll reasonably be able to fit into it around Halloween of 2014. I saw it and thought how adorable would she be in some candy corn striped leggings, a little black tutu and black ballet flats?

I think a lot about all the times over the years when I almost gave away these clothes or donated them to Goodwill. Something kept me back, though. Maybe it was just wild, foolish hope, a need to hold on to the thought that one day we might clothe a child in a display of our own nerdishness. I still can't believe my luck that waiting and hoping won the day. I can't stop going into her room and shuffling through her clothes, her toys, and thinking, just thinking, that we have just over 8 weeks and all those hopes will finally materialize.